Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
