i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He kissed a someone with a penis
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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