Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
