I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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