ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
