Is it normal to miss your booty call?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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