if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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