is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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