so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
