I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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