what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
