Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
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