bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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