so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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