he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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