Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
