then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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