You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
