i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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