My nipple is on Facebook.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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