My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
