so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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