I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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