i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
