Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize