Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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