I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I will pee on everything he values.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
