I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
