Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
How external is "for external use only"?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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