Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Dignity is for republicans.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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