Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
