life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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