Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
