Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
