I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
