I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
