even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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