life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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