hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
