also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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