so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
