the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Sober January is a disaster.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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