Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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