I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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