If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
