You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
