Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
