I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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