If i come over, it means nothing
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
