he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
