Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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