I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
