Screwed.edu
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize