im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
