Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
