anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
this must be what syphilis tastes like
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
