Just fell off a train. Bad.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
50% drunk capacity currently
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
